All the President’s Products

Donald Trump, legendary for his business acumen in the gaming, private education and commercial aviation fields, is now bringing to the general credit-card holding public, the same integrity, value, and attention to detail that were the hallmarks of Trump University, Trump Taj Mahal and Trump Charitable Remainder Trust.

An acknowledged titan in the world of commerce even before his elevation to the US Presidency, Donald Trump’s billions were legendary with television viewers, real estate moguls, and perhaps especially: Contractors, many of whom contributed significantly to Mr. Trump’s swollen Forbes ranking.

The Trump organization’s forays into consumer products have been notably less successful. Ventures like Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks and Trump Condoms were generally disappointing. The three offerings mentioned above, despite clever marketing as complimentary products, were, like most of Trump’s consumer facing efforts, losers. A recent article in AdWeek, the leading industry publication covering the advertising and marketing business, remarked, “If the guy hadn’t cheaped out on his contract manufacturers, he might have had a chance. But rebottled McCormick, flaked and formed beef from canner-grade steers and prophylactics manufactured by Goodyear are not a recipe for retail success. - no matter how brilliant the synergies”

And then came the United States Presidency.

Our pick for minimum wage workers

  • These realistic looking Chinese crafted sneakers are plated in genuine simulated gold and come with a pouch for snacks and ADD medication. You’ll be exercising just like the Trumpster! Trump sneakers are bargain priced at $1,249. Perfect for Gen Y College Republicans who’ve just been approved for their first credit card.

  • I can’t get these things tied?

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For those who know what time it is

  • You’re smart and confident. Hey, it’s in your genes. Maybe you had an uncle who taught at M.I.T. Or a father who bought you a spot at an Ivy B-school. Whatever made you the way you are, why not be more of it?

    A week’s pay can put you into your very own, rose colored Trump chronometer featuring genuine Nigerian movement and a bezel crafted by Marshallese artisans. Trump Watches are assembled right here in the USA in a sheltered workshop staffed by special needs adults. President Trump cuts the corners - and you realized the savings! Starting at $40,000

  • This thing keeps much better time than my Seiko, which I gave to a black friend of mine!

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Smells like winning!

  • Want to smell like DJT? Well, now you can. We’ve created a limited edition cologne just for you and that special someone.

    Whether it’s a night out at your favorite gentlemen’s club, or simply an attempt to find out whether no actually means no, Fight Fight Fight won’t let you down. It comes in a generous 1.2 oz bottle and is reasonably priced at $550.

    The fragrance world is abuzz with news of Fight Fight Fight. One well respected industry insider wrote in a review, “While many a perfumer has attempted to craft a fragrance combining notes of dog-shit, benzene and rape-sweat, until now, all those efforts have come to naught. This is a breakthrough on par with Zyclon B.

  • OH MY GOD - I THINK SOMETHING’S W R O N G WITH THIS STUFF. HONEY! H O N E Y!!! CALL POISON CONTROL. PLEASE, MY GOD HURRY IT BURNNNNNSSSSSSS