(Mental) Health Food

The Sign is Crooked, the Patty: Straight Beef

My internist (I provide him with obtuse philosophy, he interprets my EKGs) emailed me recently to inquire about my meager output in 2011.  I threatened him with a forthcoming post on socialized medicine.  Being a central committee member, clearly, I'm all for it... being a Rotary Club Republican he, clearly, is not.   Upon reflection however,  do I really want to unnecessarily antagonize a man charged with keeping me alive?

Nonetheless.

I can't recall ever having heard anyone say "I really don't like hamburgers."  I know a lot of people who don't eat hamburgers for a variety of reasons (veganism,  heart attacks) but I'm not sure there is an American alive who actually doesn't appreciate that intense level of high caliber deliciousness a well tempered hamburger provides.  I will posit (when speaking of vices, academic nomenclature can provide an aura of benignity) that the mental health benefits of 3,200 calories of hamburger, O-rings and carbonated sugar much more than offset any theoretical arterial damage or BMI puffing related downside.

With this theory in mind my friend Michael Keller and I made a visit to Bellaire Broiler Burger (BBB) at lunch time today.  He and I dine frequently on the diverse hamburger offerings a city of five million makes possible.  BBB represents the cream of the Old School.  You will note that the link above does not direct you to the BBB website.  There is no BBB website.  Cyberspace being what it is however, there is no shortage of gush regarding this beloved institution.

BBB does not have what architects refer to as a strong arrival sequence.  I'm not sure what the building was originally, but it is unlikely that the facility was , um... made to order for BBB.

1966 KFC Store or Esso Station?  You make the call.


Stepping inside, things don't improve rapidly - or at all.

Greco Roman Plaster of Paris finished in Huffable Gold Spray Paint

Depressing yet Nauseating 50s Esthetic

If, at this point, you're thinking "You don't go there for the ambiance." you are correct in a measure even you can't fathom.  To paraphrase James Carville: "It's the cholesterol, stupid."  I ordered the imaginatively named "Hamburger No. 2" and added cheese (you can chose American or...  just kidding) and bacon.  As the IPhone shot below clearly illustrates, when you order bacon on a BBB No. 2 - they put some Goddamn bacon on it.

Also pictured: 700 calories of Hellmann's

Michael and I generally (being what used to be called Yuppies - however neither of us is either particularly young or any longer upwardly mobile...) go in for a more refined hamburger experience.  Foie Gras infused offerings and $19 pulled beef sliders for example.  But for a signal example of the Great American Hamburger - BBB is difficult to beat.  BBB is everything McDonald's is not.  For one thing, there is the classic, uninterested, slightly hostile counter help.  The fifty something lady (I would bet next month's Sirius Solutions check her name is Mabel) gave me a flat, slightly menacing stare as I waited for her to greet me. She out-waited me.  I relayed my order quickly and succinctly - she grunted and then turned her gaze on Michael, who did the same.  I handed her a twenty (5 dollars more than necessary for two bacon/cheeses, O-rings, Lay's and two Cokes) and she handed the change back to Michael.  Whether this was some weird hillbilly passive aggressive thing, or she just didn't make a distinction between us, I don't know.  I don't want to know.  I just wanted the burger.

And I got it, about 3 minutes later.  It was everything the ill-fated McDLT never was.  A lot of ingredients (not just lettuce), fresh (but certainly not house baked) bun and enough meat to clear up the mystery of why we need CAFOs in this country.  About 6 minutes of mutual silence (excepting sounds of manic ingestion) and we were finished and out of there.  BBB does not induce post prandial malingering (see photos above) and one suspects Mabel would not find this acceptable in any event.

So, Tom, I've spared you my left wing screed regarding ObamaCare - but a few more meals like this, and I'll need it more than ever...

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