Yuppie Republic

CONGRATULATIONS: YOU HAVE BEEN PRE-APPROVED...

When my sister phoned me the other day to weigh in on the debt ceiling debate, I began to feel the camera angle slanting and the parallax shifting... you know that stomach turning sensation a talented effects editor can induce in you as you watch your favorite summer horror flick.  You know the scene, the formerly sunny girlfriend begins to feel something is not quite right when the newish boyfriend curses out the hapless waiter in the Chinese restaurant.  "If I didn't want fucking white chicken meat  I wouldn't have ordered fucking white meat chicken..."

Debbie has an undergrad in philosophy and is a social services worker.  Although she certainly is capable of deep thinking, and practices the art frequently, macroeconomic matters are not something she has previously been overly interested in.

As one of the founding fathers of modern political kleptocratic theory (Joseph Kennedy) once sagely observed, when you start getting stock tips from shoeshine boys - it's time to get out of the market...

And so it is that I find it necessary to offer my humble, misguided commentary - especially now that the fake crisis (the only type we tend to pay mind to in the United States, a country so fabulously wealthy that the most pressing health issue is obesity among the poor...) has passed.   Whew.  Hope none of you cats was holding his breath.  In any event, you can exhale now - and started sniffing the sweet smell of (refunded) United States Treasury debt instruments; as well as their evil spawn Repos, Commercial Paper, and a lot of other abracadabra backed up by dozens of 4 inch black binder notebooks containing millions of random words, the upshot of which are, at the end of the day....  "Who's your favorite nuclear weapon wielding Daddy!"

Japanese style 'just in time' funding methodology 

"Congratulations, you have been selected as one who has earned the right to carry the enclosed symbol of success and brilliance.  The International Monetary Fund and the World Bank are pleased to provide you with the InterGalactic Centurion Card.  The Card, which comes with no pre-set spending limit, is ready for your use as soon as you sign the back have the NSA decrypt the activation algorithm."  the letter might read.

Terms And Conditions

Term: Due three days prior to the next regularly scheduled national election.

Annual Fee: $2 Trillion (non refundable)

Rate:  The rate will be calculated based on the following formula:  A committee (the exact identity of which is none of your actual business) will calculate a floating rate which shall be the difference between a ratio the numerator of which is the product of the percentage of the US population currently prescribed anti-depressive medication multiplied by one half of the percentage of a random statistic published by the US Commerce Department and the denominator of which is the global supply of lying bullshit (which shall be determined with reference to one of the following indices: The O'Reilly Factor short term vomit inducer vertices, The Walnut Journal batshit crazy editorial page 'bloody murder' factor or a raw number equal to the count of Huffington Post articles which accuse anyone in America with a net worth greater than $561.23 of being a murdering plutocrat) and the riskless rate of return - which, let's face it is the most indeterminable and worthless estimate around these days, given that the Chinese Communists are manipulating the value of the base currency of this index.  [Note: any disagreement with the above index calculation as to either fairness, clarity or any other reason will require the debtor to explain in detail a random piece of Congressional legislation passed within the previous 90 days prior to the disagreement; such legislation shall be at least 3,200 pages in length.]

Guarantors:  The People's Republic of China; A random sampling of blood fanged hedge fund apparatchiks; The pension fund of the Public Utilities Worker's Union of Latvia; Northern Life Insurance Association ('the quiet company'); A certain randomly selected "EE" series savings bond holder in in Box Butte County Nebraska; and the ignorant spineless bastards most closely associated with the necessity of this Debt Instrument (hereinafter referred to as: The Citizens of The United States of America)

Events of Default:  N/A

Covenants:  The US Congress shall provide a monthly report to the Syndicate Committee no later than 2.3 seconds prior to midnight on the last day of each century (hence the moniker: "Centurion Card") which contains information sufficient for the committee to determine that the US Secretary of the Treasury is breathing.  There are no other covenants.

*  *  *

What, you think this is funny?  OK, maybe just a little.  

But do me a favor will you Amerika: Please return to watching 'America's Got Dance Fever!' or 'Are You Smarter than a Congressional Republican' or whatever shit you were TeeVee-ing before you all started to weigh in on a topic about which, if you think the fucking politicians you elected are clueless about, you obviously don't practice a lot of introspection.

And remember, as President Obama (as well as all the white ones) said "You live in the greatest country the world has ever known!"  OK - one last thing:  Get out there and SHOP will you - your new card is good till you elect the next round of idiots. 

It's been a long Silly Season - and the primaries are still months away...

I'm all for raising the retirement age to death.  How about you?

Ted Kazinsky

-SuperMax, possibly not forever though...