What I Write About When I Run Low on Things to Write About
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Group Analysis of Resume Key Words in the Imagination of Website Designers as Executed by Stock Photo Clones |
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11:43 AM (41 minutes ago)
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Dear Thread (and Chad):
Further to the remark in my last post to the effect that the word 'career' is as overused a term in Amerikan Business as 'feelings' in addiction recovery, I offer the following unnecessarily mean spirited response to Chad's harmless spam. I have previously written extensively (perhaps not within your collective earshot but in the unlikely event you have interest see: http://markwlee.blogspot.ca/
I'm sure no one was wondering, but writing emails like this is the sort of thing that keeps me from committing suicide on those (eternally sunny) mornings I am unable to muster a sufficient reason to get out of bed and face another fascinating weekend in 'The Most Fantastic City in the Whole Fucking World' The fantasy here is that I am an actual writer of monetizable (an actual word) satire instead of an actual CPA. Actually.
Thus:
* * *
Dear CHAD!! (I'll see your double exclamation points and raise you CAPITALS):
Thanks so much (I am kidding Chad, as will become horrifyingly apparent...) for thinking of me regarding this exciting career opportunity. The job title in your spec ("PLEASE RESPOND QUICKLY!!") is not one I'd heard of prior to this morning, but I'll say one thing (and then a few more) "IT CERTAINLY GOT MY ATTENTION!!"
I will respond "step-wise"* to your communication and job spec below (IN CAPITALS!!!) hoping to give details regarding the suitability of my skills vis-a-vis this job while at the same time providing some helpful information which may sharpen your skills at both avoiding annoying large numbers of people with improperly targeted spam and (more importantly) valuable tips on effective interpretation of the information found on Linked In and similar barren wastelands of hopefulness known more generally as ... as... what the fuck are they calling these things this week? Job Boards?
*By the way "step-wise" is going to be BIG in the Corporate Baby Talk milieu very, very soon Chad. Trust me - Iknow these things. And you, my new friend, have just gotten your very first piece of valuable information from me. Specifically: it is vitally important that you keep current with the ephemeral and meaningless jargon of the moment while hunting prey through the medium of spam. Make no mistake Chad; if you missed this essential fact previously, you may be falling behind and not even be aware of it. And by the way - this IS NOT the kind of shit you'll pick up in corporate HR and recruiting seminars. 'Key words' oddly enough are analyzed by actual human brains and not only your firm's (ineffectual, poorly designed) scraping software.
Please see responses and thoughts below IN CAPS. I hope you'll contact me if you believe we might be able to do a deal on this thing.
______________________________
Mark W. Lee, CPA
Mark W. Lee, CPA
3227 South Braeswood Blvd.
Houston, TX 77025
On Fri, Jan 30, 2015 at 7:27 AM, Chad Spencer via Indeed <r+0uVv0ZsgmXYyDzUtdhM_
Hi Mark,
I found your resume on Indeed. Please reply to this email if you are interested in discussing the following job opening.Job Title: "PLEASE RESPOND QUICKLY!!" Company: Whitaker 'WHITAKER'??? WHITAKER CHAMBERS, THE SPY? FOREST WHITAKER, THE ACTOR? WHITAKER OIL, THE SERIALLY INDICTED CHEMICAL COMPANY? . . . AGAIN, APPEARING CIRCUMSPECT AND SECRETIVE ABOUT YOUR CLIENT INCREASES THE ALREADY HIGH LEVEL OF SUSPICION CANDIDATES HAVE WHEN READING HEAD HUNTER EMAILS . . . Company Profile:
• Our client is a global partner serving the oil and gas industries with focused technology, chemical, and service solutions. • They (WHO??) provide the Oil and Gas industry with critical proprietary impurity removal processes to increase the quality of Refinery Products and Gas streams. THESE RANDOM CAPITALS MAY HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY THE WHITAKER HR GUY - BUT CONSIDER TAKING THEM OUT, OR IF YOU'RE FEEL YOU MUST LEAVE THEM IN... AT LEAST CAPITALIZE 'STREAMS' IF YOU'RE GONNA CAPITALIZE 'GAS'
• One of the leading suppliers of naphthenic acid and its derivatives in the world. WHILE THIS MAY BE AN OPINION OF WHITAKER, OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, I CAN QUICKLY THINK OF 3 MUCH LARGER PROVIDERS OF NAPHTHENIC ACID CONSTITUENTS - AND CHEMISTRY IS JUST A HOBBY OF MINE - MERICHEM, EASTMAN AND MITSUBISHI HAVE ORDER OF MAGNITUDE LARGER PRODUCTION CAPACITIES THAN YOUR CLIENT. CONSIDER SHORTENING THIS TO SIMPLY "A LEADING SUPPLIER" BTW, CHAD - YOU NEED CLEAN UP THIS BULLET POINT. READ IT AGAIN... VERY SHAKEY CONSTRUCTION. I MENTION THAT BECAUSE I FREQUENTLY SEE HIGH-MINDED ARTICLES DESCRIBING RESUME READERS' SHOCK(!) AT THE GRAMMAR AND SPELLING THEY ARE EXPOSED TO. RESUME WRITERS, IT SHOULD BE NOTED, FACE SIMILAR INDIGNITIES WHEN READING HR WORK PRODUCT.
• They provide proprietary solutions for the removal of H2S and other impurities from a wide range of gas applications. DO YOU (OR THEY??) ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS A STATEMENT WHICH WILL PIQUE THE INTEREST OF A BEAN COUNTER?
Role you will play:
The Sr. Accountant will contribute to the protection and safeguarding of the Company’s assets. THIS DOESN'T MEAN I'LL HAVE TO EXPOSE MYSELF TO THE HIGHLY CARCINOGENIC NAPHTHALATE COMPOUNDS THESE GUYS ARE BREWING UP, DOES IT?? To contribute to the profitability and risk reduction of the company by analyzing the financial information, controls and financial compliance functions for all of its Business Units and Managerial and Support Groups. This position further helps ensure the timely and accurate completion of all of the Company’s financial and business reporting, internal and external audits, budgeting and forecasting and consolidations THIS SOUNDS LIKE A H E L L OF A BROAD JOB, CHAD? DOES IT PAY ENOUGH FOR THE EMPLOYEE TO BE INVOLVED IN RISK MANAGEMENT, FINANCIAL REPORTING; INTERNAL A N D EXTERNAL AUDITS, FP&A AND COMPLIANCE. HOLY SHIT DUDE!
Background Profile:
Experience Required:
Five or more years of corporate accounting experience with exposure to general accounting, sub-ledger accounting, financial reporting, budgeting and forecasting, financial compliance, and financial analysis YOU MENTIONED YOU READ MY PROFILE - I'M 58 YEARS OLD AND HAVE WORKED AS A CONSULTANT IN FINANCE, LITIGATION AND BACK-OFFICE SYSTEMS FOR ABOUT 30 YEARS... DO YOU REALLY THINK YOUR CLIENT WOULD BE INTERESTED IN HIRING ME FOR THIS JOB AT LIKE, $300K A YEAR? OR DOES MY PROFILE SCREAM LOSER THAT LOUDLY?
Oracle experience (including Project module and Percentage of Completion) Adaptive Insights experience desired GOOD LUCK WITH T H A T ONE -- DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE ANY FAMILIARITY WITH THIS TOOL? - I'LL MAKE YOU A BET: I'LL PAY YOU $100 IF YOU FIND SOMEONE WHO HAS PROCESS CHEMICAL INDUSTRY EXPERIENCE A N D HAS WORKED AT A COMPANY THAT USES ADAPTIVE - - -
International business/accounting experience desired
Qualifications Required:
Four-year college degree with a concentration in accounting, finance or a related field.
Advanced degree and/or a CPA desired
Excellent Microsoft Excel skills
Able to communicate effectively across the organization including senior management. Effective interpersonal skills THIS APPLIES TO ABOUT 3% OF ALL QUALIFIED ACCOUNTANTS - GENERALLY THEY ARE CFOs
Excellent analytical and problem solving abilities.
Functional Requirements: Performing all accounting and period ending closing activities associated for one or more of the Company’s current (CURRENT? SO THIS MEANS I WOULD NOT HAVE TO WORK AT ONE OF THEIR FORMER UNITS THEN?) business or administrative units – currently Gas Technologies, Preparing related, requested and statutory financial, management, business and analytical reports in accordance with GAAP and other professional standards. I WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE INVOLVED IN A L L OF THIS?? THIS SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY, REALLY HARD JOB. I'M GETTING $125/HR RIGHT NOW JUST DOING ONE OF THOSE THINGS
Preparing budgets and forecasts as required. THIS PHRASING SOUNDS LIKE (i) THE COMPANY DOESN'T HAVE ANYONE ELSE DOING BUDGETS & (ii) THEY DON'T DO BUDGETS ON A REGULAR BASIS.
Reconciling and analyzing various General Ledger and Sub-ledger account as assigned. THIS IS THE REAL JOB, ISN'T IT?
Serving as the financial representative (accountant) and financial analyst for the Business Unit assigned. DOES THIS SENTENCE HAVE ANY ACTUAL MEANING - IF SO... I CAN'T DISCERN IT
Monitoring the Company’s Outstanding Receivables Balances as assigned. AND THIS... THIS IS THE OTHER PART OF THE REAL JOB ISN'T IT??
Participating in the planning and execution of external and internal audits, as assigned. These audits include, but are not limited to, the annual opinion audit, benefit plan audits, tax compliance audits and sales tax audits. USEABLE SKILLS THIS DIVERSE IN ONE BODY ARE RARE IN SENIOR BIG4 PARTNERS - HOW MUCH DOES THIS JOB PAY AGAIN???
Accumulating, calculating, coordinating and reporting on the Company’s KPI’s monthly. CONSIDER: 'KPI REPORTING' WE'RE WITH YOU...KPIs... GOT IT... (LOSE THE APOSTROPHE - - KEEP THE WORDS TO SOME SORT OF REASONABLE MINIMUM. YOU'RE SCARING ME HERE)
Participating in the maintenance of the Company’s financial system.
Participating in special projects as assigned.
Assisting in the supervision of departmental clerical personnel and overseeing critical functions (i.e. Accounts Payable) as assigned. Special projects as needed. SO, IN ADDITION TO THE OTHER 34 THINGS THIS JOB REQUIRES, I'LL HAVE TO TAKE ON SPECIAL PROJECTS? IS THIS LIKE A 90 HOUR A WEEK JOB OR WHAT?Interested? I AM INTERESTED - - INTERESTED TO KNOW WHAT THE QUALIFICATIONS OF THE PERSON WHO PUT THIS JOB SPEC TOGETHER ARE. ANYONE WHO COULD SERIOUSLY CONTRIBUTE IN ANY MEANINGFUL WAY TO EVEN HALF OF THESE JOB REQUIREMENTS WOULD NEED AN EXTRA HEAD OR TWO, SEVERAL SETS OF ARMS AND A SUICIDAL FONDNESS FOR BEING EXPLOITED.
Reply to this email to contact Chad Spencer. Your contact details will be shared when you reply. WHEN WERE YOU PLANNING ON SHARING YOUR OWN??
Not interested?
Decline - Your contact details will not be shared.
OK, Chad, although you may think I'm some kind of world-class asshole with WAY too much time on his hands (in the unlikely event that you actually read this) but my real interest lies in providing feedback to people in your industry who send emails like this to people who actually work in the accounting and FP&A field and find such communications moronic and insulting.
Interested in speaking with me further? Reply to this email. We can discuss in detail the violence committed against effective recruitment when corporate HR departments 'interface' with outside head hunters. Ever wonder why there are more hiring fails than you would expect in today's whiz-bang, Jetson's-like world?
Suppressing the urge to tell me to go fuck myself? Aw, go ahead - it's not like I don't deserve it.
Yours in full employment and job satisfaction,
M. Lee, CPA, SJ
-frequent psychotropic drug trial participant