Sympathy For The Devil
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| Hope you guessed my name . . . |
Uh Oh.
Donald has convinced His Generals that he is sufficiently continent to be able to try the pull-up diapers.
They're all going to put their heads together fix the Afghanistan problem. The process began with a short briefing paper presented by a guy from the Balkans desk. Why the Balkans desk? Closest one geographically that has a man sitting at it. Tillerson is still interviewing diplomats from the petroleum industry to cover South Asia; but what with the recent payroll cuts ordered by the President (of Russia), maybe he can get by without filling that position. After all - it only contains Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Syria. . .
When it becomes clear that this 15 minute primer on the region isn't doing much good, General Kelly rolls a globe out of Melania's Christmas Tree Closet. Demonstrating why he's sitting in the office next door to the Oval and I'm sitting in a bathtub in Wailuku, Kelly immediately grasps the core issue of the moment: addressing the inevitable "Trump can't find Afghanistan on a map." commentary.
After spinning the globe a few times Trump seems bored. Then the President shines a loopy, far away grin right at His Favorite General... his eyes defocus and even his fiber-glass insulation toupee seems to soften ever so slightly, as if the crazy glue holding it together was slowly failing. The Donald holds this expression and remains stock still for about 15 seconds.
After this quarter of a minute which (similar this administration's time in office) seems like 3 hours, a more than slightly alarmed Kelly says in as soothing a voice as a four-star Marine General can muster, "Mr. President?"
At this, Trump startles violently. Even Stephen Miller becomes slightly alarmed when some spittle lands on his nose as the President sprays out a pronounced and elongated... "COVFEFE!" At this point, Kelly is seriously considering the prospect that he's going to end up getting his grandkids (along with everyone else's grandkids) killed if he doesn't get this thing handled. He's moments away from bolting for his office next door and putting "Plan 25-D" in action...
Then - as if nothing had happened, Trump looks him square in the eye as if as if he were gazing into the lens of a $120,000 Ikegami Studio Camera (like the ones they used on The Apprentice)... and says...
Says....
Not "Your Fired!!"
But...
"Turkmenistan!"
Kelly has mixed feelings about Trump's sudden de-orbit. While it is true that this country is generally considered to be part of South Asia, where the hell did Trump hear about Turkmenistan? The country is seldom mentioned on Cable News. Kelly is getting an uneasy, greasy, queasy feeling. He begins to recall what he knows about Turkmenistan. And with dawning horror he realizes what's coming next...
"I want to name October after Ivanka - and Wednesday after Adolf!" says the President. The Boss's cheeks have returned to their usual ruddy umber and he is scowl-smiling and sniffing a lot. In short - things have suddenly returned to normal. And then. Before Kelly realizes what's happening, there are 11 cameras, 26 microphones, 24 reporters, 6 Cabinet Secretaries and a Boy Scout troupe in the Oval. Sebastian Gorka is striding in with a leather bound Big Chief and a gold Sharpie and before you can say "Radical Islamic Fundamentalism" his boss has signed an executive order decreeing February "Ivankawary".
Kelly is realizing this just fed live on CNN while he was standing there looking like a pet Chinchilla... and he looks over at Stephen Miller and realizes that Stephen wasn't on camera. Miller is grinning at him and Kelly notices that for some reason, little Baron Trump has also been ushered into the signing ceremony and that Miller is minding him. Kelly's bowels let go as he realizes what's about to happen next . . .
.