The Brutal Maui Business Environment
...Hate the Game
 |
| Clubnano Fleamarket Ventures, LLC - Pacific Rim Division Maui Swap Meet Booth Space #511 Summer 2018 For Sale: HAMMOCKS! (Hammocks?) |
What follows is a message sent through the 'Hang Loose Hammocks' website this morning on the 'Contact Us!' button.
* * *
Always honored to be graced w/ your presence sir ...but if you wanna drop by the old hammock booth again next Saturday at the Maui Swap Meet, what I'd like to have happen is that instead of you serially barking the term 'Aloha' at me as if you were ordering me to get to my knees and interlace my hands behind the back of my head... that you take a breath first.
And mind your manners.
I must not know what 'Aloha' actually means? Because when you said it for about the eighth time, with the particular inflection you were giving it... what it sounded like to me was "FUCK YOU". That can't be right, can it? What would I know - I'm new here. Worse yet, I'm from Texas for God's sake. You know what we do in Houston when we want to tell someone to go fuck themselves?
We say "Go fuck yourself." You guys say aloha?
It's not that I don't enjoy your visits . . . but here's an idea - assuming you wanna visit me again after you read this:
Stop by, say hello, introduce yourself....
...and THEN begin to loudly disparage my merch like some Pacific Islander red-neck. Or again offer to "buy me out for $150 so I can retire." What are you a Mafia Don? If I keep up this insanity should I expect a visit from the West Side Hammock Crew informing me that if I don't find another corner, that y'all gone pop a cap in my ass?
Slow the roll there Pancho. Or at least - if you want to beat your chest and assert your monopoly power in the vast Maui Hammock market - go beat it for somebody else? Your act was amusing once, the second time it made me embarrassed for you. If you drop by again with that attitude friend, we're both gonna get annoyed. And all that after I tried my darnedest to be polite and indulge your juvenile fantasies of saving the world by gluing a map of Honduras to your wall and selling plastic.
My friend, I understand you're the undisputed Hammock King of Maui County - and for all I know, the greater Pacific Island region itself. Congratulations. You seem to have a hell of an operation. You may have not teased this out just yet... but I'm not really in the hammock game per se. I'm a business consultant. Occasionally a contract CFO for public companies. Which I'm certain is about as impressive to you as your status as hammock tycoon is to me. Unlike you - hammocks are definitely not my passion. They actually don't even qualify as a sideline. And as for retirement . . . I'll do that when I get ready, you little whippersnapper. I don't need any advice on my age/money ratio from a strapping, young, obviously brilliant business titan like yourself.
Tell you what - I'll take that $150 you offered on these terms:
1. After I sell out of all those hammocks (120 down - 600 to go!) I'll buy something else to sell. Not hammocks.
2. You will not visit my booth.
3. For an extra $150 - I'll promise not to visit yours either because, as you may have noticed, I've thought of a LOT of things to say.
WAIT.
Egads! Is everybody at the swap meet like you? I mean, if I show up and sell crepes do you suppose that nice French guy in food alley would harass me too? Threaten to expose the origin of my bleached flour and my cage-produced eggs? Disparage my whisking technique? Act like some 19 year old guy trying to pick a fight in a bar and in no uncertain terms
EXPLAIN TO ME THAT THE CREPE SUZETTE IS HIS LIFE....
His passion."Sacre Bleu!" he might say.
(That's French for 'Aloha' I believe)
If I'm being honest though, if I wanted to sell dough 'n sugar here in your territory Don Barzini, I'd probably go with funnel cakes. And I probably wouldn't check in with either you, Moe Green OR the Parisian fry cook for a concession. As far as I know you just need four tens, a five, and a cheap tent.
And trust me big fella, there was a time when Funnel Cakes Were My Passion... Now that you've shown me what's what in the rough-and-tumble world of Hawaii hammock marketing, maybe I'll put the fried dough squeeze on Pierre and force him to make a buyout offer too?
OK. I'll brag a tiny bit here: I do know dough. This is no Idle Threat. If I say the word: the Frog dies.
But obviously - I don't know anything about hammocks. Other than how to sell 37 of them in 6 hours.
Other than I can get them landed here for $1,200 a gross. Including straps and (cheap, Chinese) hardware. So I can't sell out to you for $150 - and heck dude, I don't even WANT to retire. But I can get you all of these you want, delivered to one of your conveniently located Hawaiian stores by a uniformed representative of the United States government. For $150 a dozen. Screen printed, 1 color. Maybe something like:
"I'm also saving the world with Polymer Chemistry and the Natural Gas that makes it possible!"
They are available in Nylon or Polyester weaves. Cotton is extra... but to tell you the truth, not that much extra. And to tell you more truth when you consider the agrochemical loads, the additional energy involved in cotton textile weaving and dying and a lot of other shit which I'm sure you're thoroughly up on... nylon really is the better choice for Gaia. Call for quantity pricing.
You've made your point, sir. You do not appreciate competition and you do not have any patience with the inequities of "un-fair" trade. You gotta admit, I had you going there for a minute when you barked: "Where are those hammocks FROM??!!" and I meowed "Philadelphia!" Son, you looked like a Trump voter for just a moment there.
So look here hombre, blaze that trail you've seen in your stars and I know that the Spirit of the Universe will bless you for all the work you've done "on five continents" with the dispossessed, the aboriginal, and whoever else you get in bed with to get the goods. I understand that the planet needs saving and you don't need some devil-child like me holding up the progress you and the guys from the Mosquito Coast are making.
Or maybe you're just a cat who wants to keep the sales volume up, the margins good and the Tacoma note current. If I was guessing (and to be clear, I don't give a shit) I would say some fascinating combination of both of those things.
Whatever you're up to is ducky with me and let me say that I support you in your endeavors, sir. I'm a guy who believes a man should indulge his passions, realize his goals, and make the world a better place.
But dude... dude: keep me out of it, OK? I'm minding my own business. If you can't mind yours, I too have a long, rude, thoughtless, annoying nose available too. Maybe I'll stop by your Lahaina store some afternoon and show you how to REALLY make a public nuisance of yourself.
You think you know hammocks? You think you're a friend of the Campesinos and the Sky Gods? You find personal solace in the cloying, ignorant Hippie Wisdom you spout? Well. Well. SHIT!
Ok then,
I will bow to your superiority in both commercial and global socio-economic matters. If not your comportment in the retail setting.
In short. You win. And now I must say good day to you sir.
... are you still there?
I said good DAY sir!
* * *